Passenger

Ok I am Russian. But I avoid Russians or what have become of them now. There is a special name "New Russians", a mixture of inmate and macho man. Wherever in the multiracial city I see an evil looking European face, it must be one of them...one of us. I beware of every new encounter.

So I was hiding from my folk far away on the South- East, somewhere between Laos and Singapore. After a while I used to hide from every white person as well, but its not easy. Ok in Singapore there are districts where only local working people live. Tourists never appear in such places, almost. But here in Thailand one can find farang (its what like Thai people call us) everywhere, even in a small out of the way village. So I have to be extra careful not to meet one. It was not easy from the very beginning, so I pretended to be one of them. Whenever I met farang I smiled, said "Hello, how are you". It worked for most cases. But some people just cannot simply pass by, they begin to talk: "Where are you from?", "What are you doing in Thailand?", "Business or pleasure?". How to answer this question if they are ready to tolerate only two options? Neither business, nor pleasure. I just want to be left alone.

Next question: "Are you single?", "Do you have a girl friend?" Yes I have and no, I dont have. Once a week I visit one massage girl in Bangkok. She gives me her love for free. We do it every time at the same place: top floor of a big chip saloon, filled with smells of incense and old wooden furniture, always in front of an ancient Buddha image. My not girlfriend prays every time before and after. She almost doesnt speak English, so I cannot ask her what is she praying about. She prays a lot every day, the worn out mattress is the witness to that. The meditating Buddha always listens the half naked chocolate woman with pleasant auspicious look. I have learned a lot about tolerance from that Buddha image. Should I tell this to everyone who asks me if I have a girlfriend?

One of the top rated questions: "Do you like Thailand?" I hate Thailand and I adore Thailand. How to explain this in two words? I love Thai beautiful nature, its rural areas with simple life, but I hate its stinky cities full of garbage, beggars and markets. I admire honest, friendly and hospitable people living all over the country and I hate what have become of them in big tourist destinations. Thai food is tasty and healthy no questions, but I am tired to eat always half cold food in the small street food courts. Thailand gives million opportunities for big and small business but every businessman have be ready to face Thai awfully corrupted bureaucrat system...Do I like Thailand? I guess I do but I cannot figure it out at once every time In a short talk with a stranger.

So after a while I began to avoid every English speaking person. It was not easy. But I have found my way. I do not stay at the hotels, I do not eat at McDonalds, I do not take VIP bus routs... This story began in an old, dusty, super hot bus from Laos border to Korat, North-East Thailand, far away from tourist places.

I was coming back from Lao , and it was long weary day. The bus was half empty. Only few poor farmers with their stuff, some collage students, a pregnant lady with the crying infant on her hands... The bus driver stopped on every corner to get more passengers and that is why I was totally exhausted. Besides the seats were very uncomfortable, I couldnt relax my legs and was trying just to endure the trip. I even did not watch out of the window on the beautiful landscapes we passed. But suddenly a new passenger came into the bus and I forgot about all my sufferings at the moment I caught a sight of that lady.

She was ugly. Awfully ugly. Her face was like the one from those chip scary movies about cannibals or walking dead. Its only she was natural. Nevertheless no matter how ugly she was I could not take my eyes off that woman because it was something special in her. She was dark. Most Thai people have chocolate skin but this lady was almost black even compared to them. It was like on those Maya Indians pictures from ancient Mexico: rows and rows of people of same color and suddenly there is someone black among them. An outlander? A wizard? Priest? Nobody can tell now. But there always was a mystery in it for me... well there was some mystery in that new passenger too. It was impossible to determine her age: she might be 40 or 70. Her neat black hair was not touched by any grey, her skin was smooth and looked like cover of ebony tree sculpture. She was dressed very nice and had I should say sophisticated decorations: gold earrings, bracelets, rings. But really, who would pay attention on those details after looking once at her face?

She took next seat and looked at me. I tried to smile for hello, she reflected that fake smile and turned away. But I still could not stop looking at her. Again and again I thoroughly examined her face, simple hair stile, dark arms, high bust. Never again have I seen such a human being. Her face had nothing to do with Thai or any other people I know. It was like she did not belong to present mankind at all. Maybe she was from another human wave, the one before ours, from the ancient world?

Thai are always polite people in every way but I noticed their strange looks when the eyes were upon the dark lady. Was she strange to them too? I had no answer.

Next big stop some street vendors came inside the bus, offering Thai common snacks: fried sausages and weird looking black eggs on the sticks, some fruits without name in English (locals call it farang, same as they call white newcomers. Thai people eat farangs...do they have an attitude?) The dark lady bought a bottle of water. She wanted to open it but she could not and had to ask for help. Without saying a word that woman handed the bottle to the passing buy saleswoman and got it back open. Her behavior was like she sees the plastic item for the first time in her life and had never dealt with ordinary bottles cover. Could it be so or it was just game of my imagination?

All the rest of our trip she was just sitting and looking out of the window. Me too: finally I stopped thinking of the strange passenger and was counting miles along the highway. We were approaching our destination.

Two long hours later the bus finally stopped at Korat bus station. The long torture was over. I hurried away to take songteo, open van, to get to the apartment house I stayed. Hurried, hurried through the flaming with heat narrow streets, pass the girl faces inside the van who always begin to day dream looking at white male, pass the row of small untidy buildings, pass the sleeping in shadow dogs and beggars. Hurried to take cool shower and rest...

In the middle of the night I woke up. I had a feeling that somebody had just knocked at the door. I looked at my watch: it was after 2 a.m. I relaxed: nobody ever knocked at my door in such an hour in Korat. It must have been a dream. But ok to check it out I got up from my huge bad and came up to the door. There was neither slightest movement nor feeling of somebodys presence behind it. I completely calmed down: there was no need to get up at all. But before coming back to my dreams, I lazily looked through the door eye.

Next moment I was on the floor, my heart was jumping out of my throat. Somehow I always knew this might happen: behind the clear glass of the door eye in the bright corridor light I saw her: dark scary face of lady cannibal from the bus.

Why she is here? Who is she? How on Earth she has found me? What does she want? - all the questions run through my head in a moment. And there was that dark night fear in my heart. Like I was a kid again and suddenly a monster jumped out of the wardrobe in the middle of the night. But this monster was real, she was standing behind thin wooden door and there was only broken locker between us. A weird looking dark lady to whom I even did not say a single word stalking me and knocking at exactly my door in the middle of the night. Could it be a coincidence? What is she doing out in such an hour? Is she a human at all or some kind of supernatural vampire ghost? Why she followed me? Should I open the door? Would she attack and slay me or will I learn something from this encounter? A flash fight of fear with curiosity, but there was something else in me, which drove me to stand up and look at the eye again. The lady was still there, her eyes were down, it seemed she had not made a move. And somehow deep inside I felt she knew what is going on behind the closed door.

My heart was down but part of me was very excited about that unexpected night guest. I slowly opened the door...At the end I wanted to shut it closed again but it was too late. Dark being was inside my room. I remember I was trembling from the top of my head to the toes. There was something in her presence: not only fear of that ugly look, there was some strong aura around. And there was a smell which I could not identify, smell both disgusting and attractive.

I could not take off my eyes from the scary guest, now her face seemed to be less terrible and more appealing. She took me by her powerful hands and put me on the bad, then she undressed herself at once. It took me only a moment to look upon her body and I embraced it with all the strength I had. It was a body of stone age woman, too heavy to be beautiful and too healthy to be ever rejected. The modern world creates new models of perfection, too slim, too artificial, not able to survive. I adored them before as everyone else but deep inside I always new them false. At that moment I clasped the real beauty of original life.

We did everything and the feeling that I do it with ape-looking mature woman only spread on fire in my blood. I had never thought I could feel something like that to such an ugly person. It was awful. But never before I had a desire even close to that I experienced that night. I could not think clear, I only wanted to go on and on deeper into that demonic or divine person.

At the dawn she made her last loud groan and stopped. I was dead tired, but I wanted to talk with her, I had so many questions to ask... I already opened my mouth but she put her chill hand on my face and said only one word: "Sleep".

I got asleep. But it was not long, because when I woke up again it was still early South morning with sound of rare first vehicles and weeping broom down the street, with smell of smoking incense in still cool after night air... I was alone and everything in my room was in complete order. There was no sight of the dark lady, there was no that both disgusting and pleasant smell around. It looked like she never visit that room. My bed was neat, which was unexpected after what we had done that night. "So it was a dream, the night visit of strange scary lady, - I saw it in my dream. Must have been impressed too much in the bus...It had to be a dream. Shameful dream... I wish I could see it again".

I went to the balcony trying not to step on the cripple gecko lizard living there. Some Buddhist monks were still asking for morning food from locals. Two figures in orange robes were standing just in front of my house across the narrow street. I could hear them praying: "Awoken One, take care of this hospitable people and guide them to enlightment".

Suddenly I noticed that the pray was not In English at all. It took me some time to realize and quite a time to accept the fact, but after that night I can speak ancient Bali language. A goodbye gift of my night visitor. There was only one word between us: "sleep", and to understand that word I know old Bali as my own now. Its not for much use because this is not a language you can usually heard around. Only Buddhist monks speak it for some ceremonies but they hardly understand it and only repeat some chants again and again.

Who was that dark lady? Nobody knows exactly. Some says that was a ghost, some - she is a genie princess, others - she was black Kali, Hindu goddess. As for me, I think of those old nameless deities. Ancient Khmer cities all over Thailand, Lao and Cambodia are full of their images. I eager to meet one of them again. I have so many questions to ask... One only needs to be patient and careful to find them. There is only that problem always: people see only what they expect to see.

The end